Band names I'll never use

I like to keep a list of potential band names in a shiny little note-book my friend Dave gave me. I haven’t used any of them yet- although some of them are already attached to imaginary projects. My interest in having a large number of band names readily available started in high school; I have (somewhere) a list of band names I thought up when I was trying to come up with a name for my punk band at the time. Some of my favorites were, ‘the onlys’, ‘Willie Toast and the Crumbs’ and ‘chunky puppets’. We ended up settling on ‘SFA’- as in, Sweet Fuck All. We only played one show, so the name worked pretty well.

Recently, I was trying to come up with a name for another band I play in. I suggested ‘boycat’, which I (still) think would be a great band name. The other guys thought it was too gay. They took to calling me ‘boycat’ for a while to turn me off of the idea- but it didn’t work. I used the name for this blog instead. The band is named Elbeejay..

So anyway, I’ve decided to share some of the names I’ve got on my list that I'll likely never put to use. (Don’t worry, I have tons more that I wont tell you about until I need to). Feel free to use these. Public Domain.

‘Public Domain’ is a pretty good one, I’ll keep that. Here:

Mootard.
The Loggy- Rhythms
Blookie Blacka
Viagroft
Genetic Investment
Creepy Dr.
Sean Penncyl
The Eggy Bubbles
Escrotum
Burnt Toast/ Caitlin’s First Seizure – I still might want to use this one
Sketchy Load - Also a great album name
Piss Break.
Special Dinner
The Dead Wrestlers
Who killed Dino Bravo- I’m asking..
meatfinder

Any one of these names (with a combination of talent, drive, skill, ambition and unlimited funds) should guarantee success for anyone who might use it. Good luck!

things

Something interesting, and relatively obvious occurred to me the other morning. I have 'things'. A series of 'personality things' about myself that I don't necassarily believe exist. They are facts of my personality, or moreso my mood, that other people notice but I may not. I know these 'things' or habits, or perhaps pre-sets, pop up and occur, but I usually prefer to ignore them- i think like most other people would do. It's like when your brain goes on auto-pilot i think. I notice other people's 'things' all the time. Little patterns or idiosyncrasies that they revert to in certain situations, or conversations or in general.

I'm not talking about like the 'I'm not comfortable talking about this' face, or the 'get me out of here' face that most people have. I mean like personality programs. My girlfriend has pointed out one of mine frequently and I always just kind of get angrier, because I am intrenched in that mode and unable to compute the sensible advice she was sharing- which is usually to calm the fuck down.

An Example- When I'm driving somewhere in a hurry, or trying to park close to an entrance at a mall, I get abusive in my language and call most people 'Fucking assholes', whether they are anywhere near me or not. Usually I say stuff like 'What the fuck is your problem, granny?'.. if a woman over the age of 40 is walking by.. or something worse. 'Jeeessus Christ. What the fuck ARE YOU DOING?!" as though the 4 seconds Ive spent waiting really means a goddamn thing. IN retrospect I do some pretty hilarious cursing in these moments.

Last time it happened, trying to park the car at a busy mall, I was able to reach through it and grab control of my gf's suggestion to calm down. I dont know where the burning hate comes from, but its my immediate reaction in that situation. Perhaps my father reacted that way when I was a kid and his frustration with humans in cars has been genetically programmed and reinforced in me. Maybe I just need to relax. I think that's probably it. Getting worked up is such a normal reaction- but such a waste of energy so I'm sure if that really even qualifies as a 'thing'.

I wonder though.

If I can tell that someone else is ignoring their 'thing'- should I 'out' their 'thing' to them? Should I be trying to do that? Would everyone be better off if others helped them to realize these things about themselves? Might just lead to more frustration. Might save the world.

I am looking forward to a new pace of living. Off to Timmins!

weird blog, man.

weird flirting

I went to the 24 hour Shopper's Drug Mart at around 11:45pm last night to pick up some crap and peruse some humanity for a few minutes before bed. I had a few items on my list to pick up: tweezers, toothpaste and a paperback copy of the latest Harry Potter book, The Half-Blood Prince. Which was 25% off, sweet! I grabbed the stuff I needed and got in the 2 person line.

The 40-something checkout lady was wearing her Shopper's chemise, tucked into some store issued, maxed-out, blue polyester slacks. She wasnt that big, but the tight wasteband on her pants gave her that weird, stretched material, crotch-belly thing, like a dangling front saddle, filled with rotten intestines and veracose veins.(sorry). The baggy shirt accentuated it, as well as her oddly narrow breasts. She had that gross smokey blue eyeshadow on, coupled with chunky mascara skid marks on her lashes. Her greying, black hair was tied back too tightly and she had some pinkish lipstick coloring her chappy lips. Despite all this she was smiling and her eyes seemed kind, if not a little desperate. Her face had a coating of that waxy stuff that some women wear.

As I neared my turn I heard her say to the person in front of me.. 'So,I move here to be close to work and they transfer me to Hunt Club starting next week, gimme a break,eh?!!'.. the person walked out without looking back. It was obvious she was lonely, so I smiled at her as I pushed my items towards her.. She looked at me and said: "It's so funny- I bought a shredder yesterday; and with my discount, it came to like twelve bucks!".. I nodded, not understanding, watching as she scanned my stuff.

"So, thats like 75% off.. ", she said, clarifying; I nodded again.."what a great benefit, eh?", she said looking at me, watching my reaction. Too nice to resist, I asked: "What kind of shredder?", I was picturing some kind of Ron Popeil lettuce chopping device.

She said: "Industrial strength home shredder. You know, for papers, documents, CDs, data discs..."

Smirking on the inside, I said: "You have a lot of items that need shredding?"

She said: "Yes, I'm in investments".

I offered my credit card and kind of gave her another nod; of approval, I guess. Investments are good! Good work lady! Shred those unsightly documents and the dirty little facts they hold! I wondered what they might reveal... that she works the late shift at a drug store!?! I pictured her putting on her makeup in her oversized cat t-shirt and hair curlers; elongated burning cigarette tip sagging to the floor, not unlike her poorly concealed eye-jowels; shredding last week's issue of 'Penny Saver'.

She ran the card through and said; "You dont get to meet a lot of downtown types in this job, but its always a pleasure".. I was now beginning to get the idea. My odour at this hour is questionable, I have a 3 week old patchy beard, I'm wearing dirty shorts, sandals, a white tshirt and a phish hat. Did she assume I was a 'downtown type', because I had 2 credit cards in my wallet? Or because I was actually speaking with her? She is lonely, and horny.

Finally, she hands over my receipt to sign- I do it quicky. Noticing in the process that I didnt get the 25% off for my Harry Potter book. I thought about letting it go for a second, but that's almost five bucks. So I said: "excuse me, but I didn't get the discount.. (There was a massive sticker on the book).

She says, "hmmm, funny, normally it's in the system already..", as though she was ready for this. She pulled out her pad and said 'Here, put your name, number and address on here'.. i filled it out falsely, 'Jacky Johnson, 144 Carling, Apt20. 737-1111'. The line is getting bigger behind me, as she pages her boss. 'You're sure this sticker was on all the books?" she asks.. Is she accusing me of fraud. yes. i think she is. Maybe she noticed my credit cards didn't say 'Jacky Johnson', so I guess I'd set a precedent as a liar.

Her boss, who looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in
'Happiness', comes up and examines the book endlessly for the price. She thinks that maybe the 25% is off the American price, which neither of them can find.. I had to offer the suggestion that having a sticker showing '25% OFF!' shouldn't be a reduction of the price value of another country.. as they figured out how to refund the 4.50, I started to wonder about how bad things have gotten for this lady.. I mean, would someone potentially be impressed by the fact that she might have something that she deems shred-worthy? or by her drug store discount? Is she the kind of lady that can follow up that ice breaker with a peek at her financial portfolio, or some kind of trader talk? Maybe she was just going for it, since she's moving out to Hunt Club anyway. As my card was refunded, I walked out of the drugstore and she called to me.. 'thanks, eh, don't be a stranger'

Too late, lady!

".. are you on MySpace..? "

In an effort to adjust my regular, web browsing habits, I’ve broken a promise to myself and signed up on myspace. It happened in a moment of extreme boredom and diharrea induced weakness; swayed by an ‘e-vite’ from my friend Emily on West Coast, I decided to login and try to further carve out my own little web-neighbourhood by getting involved in the site. I figured, at worst, this is a place where I can discover some new music, trends, people and hopefully learn something about… something.

I began to build my character profile and I had to stop and restart several times. Who am I writing this for? Me? I guess so. Why is it so difficult? I’m not here trying to ‘hook up’ or something, I'm not trying to give an impression beyond the truth, so it should be relatively easy to type in a few words about myself and get on with it? Grrrr. I started to get impatient… I wanted to hurry up and pick my neat-o sound track music, now! Ok, deeep breath, profile first. I want it to be real, sheepish and a little bit wry, a reflection of how I consider myself to be. After several attempts, I felt I was sounding more like an overly emotional rocker desperate for friends. I could almost feel the eyeliner dripping down my cheeks as I deleted everything I’d written. I also realized I don’t have a picture of myself, (or access to one) that I would show the world if it collectively asked who I am… need to borrow a digital-cam, I guess.

I checked out some of other pages for reference, noticing that most people, like in real life, fluff themselves up a little bit more than is necessary. That’s cool. Whatever… people do that. People like to feel important. Selff*ahem*.. actual importance leads to admiration, I guess. AND impressing others is a great way to attract them and have them become your friend, which I suppose is kind of the point of myspace in the end, isn’t it? To promote yourself and show everyone you have cool friends? God, I’m starting to hate this already, and this shit isnt even online.. Perhaps I’m just being bitter, because I haven’t had a chance to collect friends yet… I’m falling behiiiiind!!! Just me and Tom, for now. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thoughts on Frank D'Angelo..

I have a T.V. enemy- his name is Frank D'Angelo.

Frank's projected image is that of a gentleman philanthropist, enthused by music, sport and drink. Just a regular, nice, rich guy. A cross between Bruce Wayne, Wayne Gretzky and perhaps with a bit of half-retarded Ray Romano thrown in there too. IN reality- he is a douchebag. He arouses disdain in me, comparable only to the painful raw chafing of summer's first crotch rotch. If only I could extinguish him as easily as Gold Bond wipes out the crunch.

As president and C.E.O of Toronto's Steelback Brewery as well as part owner of the Toronto Argonauts, Franky has made a vast fortune, in Canadian terms. Although his businesses are in Toronto, he seems to be increasingly interested in Ottawa. Maybe its the cheaper T.V. advertising rates..But he is even considering buying Ottawa's flailing CFL franchise and renaming them- The Ottawa Steelbacks. *shudder*

Anyway, it appears (through his press releases) that he has generously parlayed his successful businessman ways into charity by helping important organizations such as CHEO, the Breast Cancer Society of Ontario and the Special Olympics with charitable ventures.. Charity is a beautiful, self-less thing, isnt it? Isnt it supposed to be?

I have noticed that these charity ventures Frank has produced, seem to be created for Frank's own self-promotion. Ego-inflating reasons, perhaps? I'm not sure. Hungry for more power and respect? probably. He's like the Ern McCracken of Ontario.

To illustrate- for his first round of charity, (Breast Cancer).. He assembled a band (which he cleverly named 'The Steelback 2-4' available to be booked for large parties, btw) and recorded Motown classics, 'My Girl' and 'Stand by me'- (um-- why?).. He paid some unfortunate producer to create a 2 minute promotional video commercial of the band, and mostly himself really, in studio, recording these tracks.. These spots feature Frank belting out these classics tunes with mediocre voicings, but top notch dramatic expression and the rehearsed flair of a more Italian looking Frank Sinatra with immaculate hairplugs. There is a clip of the band performing on a big stage too, with lots of on-lookers, looking on. Tell tale glimpses from the band meant for watching musicians, quietly celebrating a large pay cheque. At the end of the ad, it says you can buy the recorded version on disc for 5.00$ and all proceeds go to the charity. Not a bad way for a millionaire to make himself a rockstar- real quick like. Invent a band. release songs the whole world knows and tell them all the money (a measly 5.00) goes directly to charity.. along the way cash in on a little new fame, and collect a whackload of tax receipts to ofset the cost of the video...




These "video" ads originally aired 3 or 4 times a night during the shows that I would usually watch regularly on T.V. at the time- The Daily Show, and Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Late night, cheap airtime I guess.. I grew to hate his feel good charity-aimed self-stroke. I hated that he had graphics at the beginning and end of the video like a real video, artist: Frank D'Angelo and the Steelback 2-4. song: My Girl. Moreso, I hated the shots of him goofing around in the studio, just spinning and looking so happy to be singing in a studio. No real musician has the inclination to be that gleeful..

Time passed, the videos seemed to fade away and I thought I was in the clear. Wrong.. The next venture, another music video, charity single, of Frank and the band recording/ preforming Trooper's 'Here for a Good Time".. great. Equally unintersting, unacceptable and unoriginal version of the song. This one featured more live shots, with clapping senior citizens. Which led me to believe they were actually hooking up gigs with this scam..

I started to see the old ads again. Then all of a sudden, I saw an ad for 'Steelback'. It featured a dozen or so hockey hall of famers sitting around a locker room talking about the good old days or something.. Someone pipes up, not sounding as stoic or wise as the rest. What a minute!?! That guy in the goalie gear isnt an NHLer... its fucking Frank D'Angelo dressed up like an allstar goalie. He's set up a charity all star hockey game/fantasy hockey camp, where he gets to play nets?!?! And after the game he gets to hang out with his hockey heros and then had them make an ad for his crappy beer. and bloated ego. Fuck..

A few weeks ago, I saw a new "Steelback" commercial. Advertising his new extra-large king cans of beer.. the scene: a busy bar. Camera shows a hot girl waiting at a bar, shifting her cleavage.. she gets the bartenders attention and asks for 'the big one'.. she looks shocked, suprised and excited all at once. The camera cuts to the bartenders tight leather pants.. it pans up and the bartender is Frank! He is more than happy to give her 'the big one'. As he hands her a super sized can of the newest Steelback swill. This is where I realized he is also more than likely getting lots of pussy out all this.

Last but not least. His new scam: Straight Talk w/Frank D'Angelo.. This is a fake 60 second commercial spot where he makes a joke and sells his product in the process. The last one I saw, his fake guest is everyone's favvourite disgraced Canadian sprinter, Ben Johnson. Looking like he has spent the last 2 years binging on meth amphetamine, Ben must've really needed the money. Sitting in the 'host's' chair, Frank says (to the camera): "here on straight talk, we always have straight talk- you know? We talk about what people want to know.. so Ben, I gotta ask you.. when you run, do you Cheetah? (fake gasps from the crowd).. Ben: (pretends to look shocked for 2 seconds, then enthusiastically says:) Yes- I always Cheetah before I sprint!! he lifts a kingcan of Frank's new energy drink 'Cheetah'. wow, what a hilarious play on words. I wonder how bad things have gotten for Ben- cause they must be pretty tough to put up with this fucking asshole on National T.V.. The ad pans out with another shot of Ben, looking even more ashamed than his Olympic hearings. Not only is this ad in bad taste, it reveals the fact that Steelback has started to produce super-sized energy drinks. Targeting youth? GREAT!! I can picture Frank talking to his 'board of directors'. "we gotta get'em younger, boys!"... I wonder if the special energy producing ingredient is a drop of Frank's ballsweat? Or a whiff of his essence of manhood?

When will you have had enough Frank? When will you leave me alone? When will you give me job playing drums in your band- so I can see what really happens behind the 40 foot Steelback banner that flanks you at every show.. I bet its a fucked up scene.

Edit- check out ALL of said T.V. spots and decide for yourself:
steelbackbrewery.com/tvspots.asp
There are a bunch more than the ones I've seen, but I'm sure they are all obnoxious in some way.